umm

So I neglected you, my poor little blog.

The funeral for my cousin was nice. It was obvious that the parents were trying to do what they thought the 17 year old might like, although the "Call to Christ" could have been handled with a little more subtlety.

Thanksgiving was the same as always, but with more wine and "Apples to Apples." If I had a reason, I would buy that game.

I have actually been referring to my apartment and Chicago as my home. Without having to purposely think of it. Signs of settling in.

Work is going fine. I'm starting to feel more comfortable with my co-workers. Two weeks ago, I went to a holiday party at a nice Italian restaurant. Granted it was during the time that it snowed for like 12 hours straight, so everyone went straight to the open bar. And a few co-workers who found out about my history in choir were pissed that I didn't bail them out of the company 12 Days of Christmas.

And last week? Was interesting. I worked a total of 46 hours, but that includes the time at the company-wide and departmental holiday parties. Company-wide was Thursday. Free food, open bar, stocking up before the program during which the bar is closed, band that didn't fit the atmosphere, co-workers that were sad when they realized that there would be no Cha-Cha Slide that night. The bartenders were heavy-handed with the alcohol. I had three cranberry vodkas and two (maybe three) rum and Cokes. After being there for four hours, it's time for the after-hours party at a dive bar. Took a cab with another co-worker who ended up paying for the whole thing (and then buying me two rum and Cokes while I was waiting to check my coat). I had to buy the next one. After that, I was cornered by the director for a while, but it resulted in more free drinks. At one point, I was introduced as "the new hire that's kicking ass." So, apparently I've taken well to the job. At 10 pm and after 10+ mixed drinks on an almost empty stomach, it was time to go home. A co-worker and their fiancee were nice enough to give me a ride so I wouldn't need to mess with a bus or cab (although I probably could have gotten money for a cab out of the director). Friday, I was amazingly at work at 8:45 am. Later was bowling with the department. I really sucked and got a Target gift card out of it. Then a stop at the bar next door to catch up on the gossip from last night.

Tuesday is another holiday party at a bar. I'm not sure how many people I know are going since a lot of them are trying to use up their vacation time before they lose it.

Wednesday, I might go to Water Tower Place to shop a bit. Thursday is a train ride home.

Christmas could be depressing with, on Mom's side of the family, the cousin gone and the grandfather whose birthday would have be Christmas Day gone, and Dad's side of the family, the grandfather dying two weeks before Christmas years ago.

I can tell I'm settling in because the singleness is starting to sink in. Eight seats in my apartment when only one will be occupied at one time. A queen bed for just me. A couple of co-workers, younger and older, planning their weddings or possible engagements. Others talking about their kids. Another crush is starting to appear. Not that I'm looking for someone right now (or would know how), but the aloneness is becoming apparent, especially since my mom just expects me to be alone without plans on NYE. Oh well.

Another funeral

I have another funeral to attend this year. My cousin died late last night/early this morning. The only thing going through my head now is who's the third?
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Turns out there were two kids who he didn't know in the car with him when it crashed. They left him in the car. One of them is in custody.

Welcome to the Windy City

It's wintertime. Last night sucked. All night, the wind was blowing and the whole dropping 30 degrees in a short period of time. I found out that my apartment has cross-ventilation. I love how my door, which had the deadbolt on, rattled the whole time. Before leaving work, the fog was so thick that you couldn't see outside from the window behind my desk. This morning, I was too stupid to pull out my scarf before leaving for work. The morning wasn't so bad and the snow was kind of cool to watch from the window, but it was all I could do to get to the bus stop walking against the wind. At least it pushed me to my apartment. It was the first time that I was glad that the management has the heat cranked up.

I think tomorrow I will go shopping. My paycheck should be available to spend and I need new shoes. Considering there are several blocks of shops near work, it might be hard to choose.

Relationships and songs

Basically, I have a couple of attitudes towards dating. One, right now I don't have the time to worry about it. I'm too concerned about learning everything for work and getting settled in the city and my new apartment. Once things settle down, then maybe I'll concentrate more on it. I don't have time to mess with everything that comes with it. Two, it will happen when it will happen. Not really worried about it right now. (Granted, I've never been in a relationship, so maybe that affects my outlook.) So here are some song lyrics that kind of sum that up.

You say you fell while holding diamonds in your hands
"It's your fault for running, holding diamonds," I said
And I offer no sympathy for that
I hear that it was you who died alone
And I offer no sympathy for that
Better off I sparkle on my own
And someday love will find me in the rough
Someday love will finally be enough
. . . .
I got your love letters
I threw them all away
And I hear you think that I'm crazy
I'm driving 95
And I'm driving you away
And I shine a little more lately
Anna Nalick "In the Rough"

I don't wanna be no man's woman
It don't make me happy this mantrolling
Thing that you got for me so I become
No man's woman
I don't wanna be no man's woman
I've other work I want to get done
I haven't traveled this far to become
No man's woman
No Man's woman
Cuz I'm tired of it
And I'm so scared of it
That I'll never trust again
Cuz a man could fake you
Take your soul and make you
Miserable in so much pain
Sinead O'Connor "No Man's Woman"

It's the last thing that I need right now
Someone to bring me down
And I've got a rule that I've made up now he moved out
No way, no boys allowed
And there's a reason why I keep my distance
Don't think you're gonna understand
This is the last thing that I need right now
...........
Don't need a boyfriend
Not one like him
Don't wanna be the foolish girl I was
And end up worse again
You can say it's from me
I'll be keeping away
Don't wanna be the same foolish girl again
Diana Anaid "Last Thing"

.....I tell them I am not afraid to be alone
And there's no need to rush into something wrong
So I'm not gonna worry
No I'm in no hurry
It's in the hands of fate
There's nothing I can do
And it might be tomorrow
Or the one that follows
Got the rest of my life to look forward to
Cause everyday is one day closer to you
You might be in Montana
Living in the hills
Or you might be in Virginia
Workin' in a mill
All I know is that I haven't found you yet
But who knows maybe we've already met
Carolyn Dawn Johnson "One Day Closer to You"

Goodbye buddy

Aug16108
Originally uploaded by nikkigubb.

Your suffering is over. You will be missed.

Staying put

As tempting as the FedEx envelope is, I have decided to stay put. Maybe I can try again in a couple of years. Everyone is too nice and the company seems to get that a happy employee is a productive employee. How many companies give out bundles of Tootsie Roll Pops, Pez dispensers, and pencils with smiley face erasers for those brave enough to answer questions at open enrollment? How many are willing to absorb the increasing costs? Granted, it is a unique industry, but still.

I probably should tell some of my friends that I'm no longer in Goshen. Especially since I haven't heard from a particular someone in a long time who was always reliable for connecting. I wonder if her husband has something to do with that.

I managed to get some unpacking done this past weekend. I guess the thought of leaving made me want to settle down in the apartment. I even pulled out some decorations. I also put the first of personal touches to my cubicle.

My dad and grandma came to see me yesterday. He came to bring me my mail and help me stock up my kitchen. I also found out that our older 20 lb cat hadn't ate anything in a couple of days and the only water was what they spoon fed him. But it's just a simple infection so he gets special canned cat food to help build up his strength and pills forced down his throat. But it could have been much worse.

My apartment is in a bad location. There is a Barnes & Noble AND a Borders within walking distance. Somehow I've managed to resist the temptation of spending my whole check on new books. No telling how long I will be able to keep myself out, especially if I don't unpack my books soon.

Is it wrong to want a PS2 just so I can play the Karaoke Revolution games?

Well, to bed I said.

Hmm

I got a thick FedEx envelope at my home today. My dad went ahead and opened it because he knew what it was. I have a job offer. Two weeks after I started the job for which I interviewed the same day. What to do, what to do. Of course, the flip side is, with my luck, turning down this position would probably resulted in the plain vague no go letter.

It's a stream

I got the "final" list of clients today so I can officially start working.

It's been too long since I've been to a karaoke night.

I need to go grocery shopping. Then I need to make a unnecessary purchase with my first check from my first "real" job. Maybe a real copy of Alias Season One to (shh) replace my illegal copy. Then eventually Seasons Two through Four. And NewsRadio. And Titus Season Three. And..........

I really need a Chicago Card.

baby i've been here before
i've seen this room and i've walked this floor
i used to live alone before i knew you
i've seen your flag on the marble arch
but love is not a victory march
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
......
well, maybe there's a god above
but all i've ever learned from love was
how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
it's not a cry that you hear at night
it's not somebody who's seen the light
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
Jeff Buckley, Hallelujah

How many different things has played Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah"? Off the top of my head, West Wing episode where CJ's Secret Service agent (Mark Harmon) dies and the movie Shrek.

I wonder if my free album for Connect is still good. Maybe I can get the Anna Nalick one off there.

I need to do some more unpacking because it's only a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving.

Is it wrong that a work security card makes me feel a little more important?

Rum is yum.

I still need to fill out a change of address form for the USPS.

What if I decided to be a singer instead? Can't you see me in a bar doing covers with a band?

Hey, it's the Sloane Clone (aka Joel Gray) on Law and Order: Criminal Intent!

Night all

Half a real post

I'm not in the mood to look up the lyrics that I was referring to a couple of posts ago. Just know for now that they have to do with life and relationships. Maybe tomorrow.

But I realized that there was a certain type of guy that I was attracted to when I was in high school. They typically have three characteristics in common: 1. They are taller than me, even if just by centimeters. 2. They have dark hair (with two exceptions). 3. They are/were involved with choir and/or theater before/during/after the crush developed.

I've had crushes on six guys. Most if not all probably knew. I always picked not knowing over knowing how they felt. There was always someone wanting my permission to ask them how they felt. My answer was always no.

Usually while I had the crush, I also didn't want to pursue a relationship with them or anyone else. I wanted to finish high school, get myself straightened out, finish college, get a job, get settled. So what would be the technical term for that? Wanting to be with someone, yet that being the last thing on my mind? I don't want to be alone forever, just right now. I know that it will happen when it will happen. The question is will I be willing to let it happen when it's time?

Well, I should go to bed. 6:30 is gooing to come sooner than I want it to.

Back

I'm back. I finally got my internet set up in my apartment. About a week after it was supposed to be up and running. I have a week of "work" under my belt. It's just been learning about the company and the department. I have done about 45 minutes of actual work this week. Everyone in the department is younger and very personable.

The apartment is more than enough space for just me. I still can't believe that I used to live with someone else in a space as big as my living room. It's a bit weird that I'm on my own, as a real adult. I'm even being responsible about the time I go to bed. I try not to look or feel freaked out when walking around Chicago by myself. I've also wondered what my reaction would be if I bumped into someone, but I found out a couple of days ago that I don't have to worry about it since they are no longer in the state. I need an iPod. It seems like I'm the only one my age not waiting for the bus or on the bus without one. I still have to get used to the price difference. The only real grocery store within walking distance (as opposed to convience stores) wants five bucks for a 12 pack of pop. I might have to stock up on nonperishables at Thanksgiving time.

It's good and bad living on my own. It's nice because I can do what I want. Buy, make, eat, watch. No one to fight with over anything. No dirty dishes that have something weird on them. I can go to bed or stay up without having to worry about being kept awake (except for people outside) or keeping someone awake. It's bad because it would be nice to have someone else to talk to, a reason to eat at the table as opposed to in front of the TV, someone else to cook.

I need to ween my mom. She got mad because I didn't call them yesterday and they didn't call me. We actually went a day without talking. I understand that she misses me and that it's a different situation than college. But I was gone a lot at college and there were times that we went a couple of weeks without talking.

I have to remember to change my clocks. Luckily my cell phone will automatically so I can use that as a guide.